What do self-sabotaging habits look like?

I was sitting at my desk typing away a case note for one of my students when one of my counselling team co-workers frantically knocked on my door. I welcomed her in as she slouched down into a chair across from me. I could tell she was drained and exhausted by her frequent sighs of distress as she shared how many students she needed to see (over 15 at the time), the overwhelming number of emails she still had to answer, and the pressure she felt to show her services were making a difference for her students.

I felt for her. I talked her through some ideas to ease her load so she wouldn’t feel like she was drowning at a job where she spent the majority of her week.

Her visits and stories of overwhelm became more frequent as the term progressed. I was starting to see a pattern and wondered if self-sabotage had something to do with why she found herself in the same situation week after week.

The signs were all there…

She was expecting changes without making time to see what was working and what wasn’t.
There was an underlying belief that everyone else was causing the chaos in her daily work - blame.
Systems and boundaries were non-existent. Any time someone needed something from her, the answer was most often, “Sure, no problem,” even though she didn’t have adequate time to do the task.
When we’d all be eating lunch together, she would skip meals and overwork.
She would say she needed to do something super important the next day or that week but she’d actually spend her time working on something else entirely.
Most of her comments about herself were self-depricating and a lack of internal confidence showed on the outside. I didn’t get the sense she was proud of the work she was doing and instead would fall into the trap of being a martyr at the expense of her own health.
Instead of asking for help or looking for efficient ways to do things, her visits would be focused on complaints and trying to do-it-all, which would further deplete her energy as she wallowed in how hard things were.
Her worries about being behind in her work would make her tunnel-visioned so she’d often put off high-priority tasks to do smaller things that could have been delegated.
Most solutions others would offer her would be met with resistance and dismissal.

Overall, there was clear pattern where she would undermine her own goals and values day after day. This is ultimately what self-sabotage means.

The result was a depleted and emotionally drained counselor who couldn’t be there for her students because she wasn’t there for herself. She wasn’t acting in her long-term best interest.

Seeing the trap

When I think about self-sabotage, I do believe it’s a cycle that perpetuates itself because it is ultimately a trap of shaytan. Shaytan does not want us to do well in this life and much prefers to see us run around in circles, blaming, worrying, focusing on perfection over progress, and ultimately putting off doing anything good.

When we catch ourselves in the cycle, it’s sign that our inner template needs re-working. But we can’t do that until we step back and take a birds-eye view to see where and how it’s showing up in our lives.

Why we self-sabotage

Humans love to go for the path of least resistance. We don’t like getting caught up in trying to make too many decisions, also known as decision fatigue, so often times, it’s easier to keep repeating the same ineffective patterns instead of making conscious choices. This shows up a lot with healthy eating for example. If a pack of doritos is readily available, it’s much easier to start munching away instead of making a salad from scratch with questionably fresh veggies in the refrigerator.

We also self-sabotage because it serves a purpose. It makes us feel better in the short-term. We can easily gratify an immediate want or need by choosing to put off something important and procrastinating or filling time with distractions.

Other times, we engage in self-sabotage because our goals are:

Unclear: You’re not sure why you’re doing what you’re doing anymore. It’s just a function of habit. You haven’t identified your wildly important goal yet.
Boring: It’s not a goal that makes you want to jump out of bed. There’s no fire, hunger, or motivation beneath the goal.
Not your goals: They were imprinted upon you by those around you, or you’re feeling pressured to do what you think is expected of you for someone else’s sake.
Not aligned with your values: Seeing everyone else sharing their goals and journey can be exciting if it serves as inspiration or a place to offer your support but if it starts to feel like comparison and trying to keep up with others, there needs to be an internal check-in to see if your values are even aligned with what you’re going after.
Skill-Building: If none of the above are true, it could also mean there’s room for more skillfulness (internal or external) so you can build your personal effectiveness towards what you really want. This could mean:
- Seeking support
- Learning a skill to make your path and tasks easier
- Utilizing productivity tools and systems like the ones I share in my course
- Boundary-setting
- Building self-confidence
- Leveraging your authentic strengths
- Reworking any negative automatic thoughts

If you need help with working through your own personal vision, my free life vision workbook below can be a good start!

How self-sabotage shows up

You can see how my co-worker was actively struggling with self-sabotage in the workplace and it’s a common scenario for many given the nature of work. People don’t want to risk their jobs and may have fears around their performance so they keep chugging away even if it's hurting their mental and physical wellness. Self-sabotage however can spill over in many different parts of our lives.

Difficulty committing (to a project, a life change, a relationship, etc.) It’s hard to be faithful and put in honest effort and planning when we’re not working from an anchored awareness of our values.
Negative self-talk: This habit can stop us even before we have a chance to visualize positive possibilities.
Overestimating worries: Not only are they unhelpful, but they also keep us stuck.
Underestimating strengths: We might imagine others have it easier or have some extra special talents we don’t have but it may just be a matter of re-working our inner template so we can honour our own unique gifts.
Fear of failure: The hardest part is always to simply begin, but fear of failure can have a paralyzing impact over time.
Going for shortcuts, quick fixes: Rushing through without a plan or a thoughtful set of actions can help us hit “done” faster, but we might find ourselves going back to fix problems over and over again instead of investing the right amount of effort on the right systems and strategies from the get-go.
Wishing for immediate results: Not being able to enjoy the journey can lead to burnout if we only seek the end result as fast as possible.
Blame: If everyone else is the problem, we find ourselves out of options for making progress.
Stress responses: Things like excess scrolling, comparing, over-eating, overcommitting, oversharing, and oscillating between extremes are all various traps of shaytan that keep us from moving closer to our potential.

It happens to us all

It’s easy to think perhaps we are the only ones who struggle with self-sabotaging habits and certainly, some people might struggle more than others, but like most personal challenges in life, we can all fall into these traps from time to time.

You are not alone in your struggle even if you identify some of these patterns in yourself.

The key is to invest in yourself to help re-wire your inner template so you can move forward with greater awareness.

If you are looking to adopt self-supporting habits and chip away at self-sabotage, I think you’ll find a lot of value in my mini-course below.

It’s practical, super affordable, and self-paced so you can work through the webinar at your own time.

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The antidote

Now let’s talk about the best part! Some practical solutions for removing self-sabotaging habits so we can replace them with strength-based supportive ones!

Visualize what “ideal” would look like: With as much detail, visualize your end goal by starting with the end in mind. If everything were perfect, what would you like feel like? How would your day unfold? What would your relationships look like? Which projects would you be working on? What results would make you happy?
Work on neutrality: Think of a situation in your life that evokes overwhelm, distress, and reactivity. Being able to tolerate that distress gets easier as you try to move into a neutral state before reacting. How? Take three breaths and pause, before taking your next step.
Notice your inner dialogue: How do you speak to yourself internally? What thoughts come to mind? Are they self-defeating or self-affirming? On who are you placing your trust? Others? Solely yourself? Allah(swa)? Work on positive affirmations like these ones and hang them up in a place you frequent.
Assess your pain points: Go through your day in detail. Make a list of “pain points” – the struggles that are repetitive and always getting in the way. Seeing this list will be super helpful for the next steps.
Brainstorm systems and processes to put in place: Think about what you can do to put in a system to remove decision fatigue and tackle each pain point. No idea is a bad idea! In this stage, simply write what comes to mind as a possible solution. This practice will help build your inner confidence to solve problems.
Get organized: Make a list, use a planner, schedule in things that frequently get missed or dropped, set reminders in your phone or calendar, ask those around you to hold you accountable. Notice what works best for you. Use project planning tools if you need them. Schedule in time to rest and rejuvenate so you are not on a pathway towards burnout.
Don’t dismiss any progress: Even if it’s 5% or 10%, notice it and celebrate it along the way.
Get comfortable with “yet”: I haven’t figured this out, yet. I am not exactly where I want to be, yet. I haven’t reached my goal, yet. This gives you room to envision what’s possible and puts you on a path towards learning and growth instead of stagnation and negative self-talk.
Make specific du’as for your goals and hopes: Make your du’as specific to your vision and don’t let go of them throughout the entire journey. Let your du’as serve as a close friend or companion when you feel weary.
Invest in yourself: We’ve all purchased something and thought, “ahh, that totally wan’t worth it,” but rarely do we say the same thing when we invest in personal learning or an experience. Why? Because it changes us and builds new pathways for us to explore and grow.

Are you ready to take the next step to dig deeper into understanding self-sabotage?

Do you want to understand the anatomy of cognitive distortions?

AND learn how to combat negative internal thoughts?

My mini-course will give you several “Aha” moments to reflect, learn, and un-learn patterns so you can reach your best potential inshaAllah.