3 P’s to predict your resilience
Hard things will come our way sometimes when we least expect it. It’s far easier to imagine being in the right mindset and holding on to patience when we are healthy and centered, but what happens when we are in the middle of a storm? Do those ideals and values still hold true? It turns out we can predict our own resilience, that is, the ability to recover from tough situations and adverse circumstances with a few key indicators.
No. 1 – Permanence
As I think about the last major test I experienced, my resiliency was tested in every one of these three areas, permanence being the first. This refers to how long we think the difficult event will last. When feeling pessimistic, we’re more prone to exaggerating events in our mind and thinking they’ll last longer than they actually do. In my situation, I fell into a trap of impatience and ingratitude by overlooking any potential good and zeroing in on the negatives.
Practice: Zooming Out
To avoid falling into this trap, zoom out the next time you feel a test will last forever. Look up at the sky and notice your own smallness compared to the vastness and greatness of Allah (swa), His creations, His patterns and ultimate planning. The day and night alternate before our eyes, sunsets come and go, animals fly and migrate above us, seasons show us starkly different landscapes right outside our doorstep, and even the people we’ve met become memories over time. Nothing lasts forever and everything has an appointed time.
Practice pushing back against your own inner critical voice. Ask yourself if previous tests were permanent? How long did they last? Draw upon Prophetic examples to further zoom out and gain perspective to avoid falling into despair or hopelessness.
No. 2 – Personalization
The second indicator for resilience is to take stock of how much we personalize an issue by engaging in self-deprication, personal blame, other-blame, or even worse, getting angry with Allah (swa) over our situation. When I came out of my own storm just some years ago, I had a gnawing feeling that I was the only person responsible for what happened. Only after a lot (a lot!) of inner work (which I’ve detailed in my Self-Healing Workbook) did I come to realize, notice, and believe that other factors also contributed to the situation. The problem was larger than me and pre-dated me. This deeper and more nuanced thinking helped me access self-compassion so I could stop blaming myself beyond the point of usefulness.
Practice: Detachment
Simply noticing or even writing down the myriad of factors contributing to a difficult situation can help to ease the load off of your shoulders. This doesn’t mean we don’t take responsibility for our part, but it’s a way to balance out the unhelpful, inaccurate, and self-critical thoughts which cause people to get stuck. That same energy devoted to self-criticism can be far better used towards making du’a, detaching yourself, focusing on blessings and gifts, problem solving, and having compassion for yourself and loved ones.
No. 3 – Pervasiveness
The last of the three factors is one that creeps into our mind and makes us believe all is ruined and awful even if only one particular problem in our life is actually causing distress. This falls into a serious thought trap, which I cover in detail in my Cognitive Distortions course. When we let a negative situation spill over and cast a shadow on all other areas of our life, the chances for feeling hopeless and helpless start to increase.
Practice: Containment
By containing the negative situation, both in your mind and in your life, you can minimize the gravity of the problem and gratefully allow other areas of your life to continue flourishing in a normal and healthy way. For example, even if a persons’ relationship with a family member is particularly strained or difficult, but Allah (swa) has still blessed them with great friends, a decent job, a loving family, and a nice community, they can seek help for the challenge without neglecting all the other ways Allah (swa) is blessing them.
Again, Prophetic examples naturally come to mind here. Despite our Prophet (saw) having to face ridicule and hardship from many of his own family, he still managed to smile and show gratitude for those who supported him even if they weren’t from his kin. He (saw) had an incredible ability to compartmentalize his life such that his challenges didn’t spill over and impact his overall mission or his family life unnecessarily.
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I hope you’ve found benefit in this mini reflection on the 3 Ps for Resilience, originally coined by Psychologist, Martin Seligman. Feel free to write and reflect on each of these in a journal or with a trusted friend, as we can always grow deeper awareness when we share and allow a bit of vulnerability to allow ourselves to be seen.
Till next time,
