Knock On The Door Scared
I was with my cousin Anaam when it happened. I had just gotten my drivers’ license and we loved driving to the mall together on Fridays to get our usual order – a warm Auntie Anne’s pretzel and the best-frozen-yogurt-on-the-planet. I would skip all the fun toppings and go straight for fresh mangoes and nerds. After getting our orders, I went ahead to start eating my pretzel with quiet excitement, when all of a sudden, I saw a crowd of people coming my way. Anaam saw me go into a daze as I quickly stuffed my pretzel into my mouth, dropped the coat I had in my hand, and moved as far away towards an exit as fast I could. My fear of being stuck in a large crowd was coming to life before my eyes as I abandoned my frozen yogurt, leaving it to melt away. Anaam came after me to see what I needed, but at the moment I wasn’t even sure what had just happened, nor did I remember to read the du’a for easing anxious feelings which is now a source of great comfort for me. It was only months after the incident when I could recall and laugh about it but even then, I knew there was something deeper under the surface.
Avoiding crowds had been normal for me growing up. School ceremonies? Hard pass. Pep rallies? No, thank you. Large family reunions? Cue discomfort.
Avoidance was easy at first but there was a part of me that yearned to know the world and other peoples’ stories. How could I possibly experience the world if I didn’t get over my fear of groups of people? At some point between the pretzel incident and choosing a major in University, I made a decision to break out of my socially anxious shell. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do hard things, even if they made me want to break out into hives in the beginning. So from all the majors I could have chosen, I picked the one with the fastest track to working with people – Clinical Social Work.
My first internship was a true test of my resolve. I was interning at a local nursing home and asked to do a complete social assessment for anyone being admitted. I knocked gently on the first patients’ door, then the second, and the third, until I completed all eight assessments. My grey abaya and pink hijab hid my fear but I had several thoughts swirling in my mind wondering if I was cut out for my chosen field. All the fears I had about speaking up and sounding too “young”, talking to strangers, and walking into a space with unknown people were coming to life on my first day.
speaking, teaching, creating, and now writing.
