6 Steps for Shadow Work + An Example

The day started off just fine. My kids came downstairs for breakfast and I placed their cereal out for them. I brewed the coffee and brought up laundry from the basement to fold. My husband was extra chipper and for some reason, I dialed down my own enthusiasm for the day. I folded the laundry, one shirt after another and sat with the feelings coming up. I leaned into what’s known as shadow work:

Shadow work is a type of psychotherapy that focuses on the “shadow self,” which is the parts of the psyche that people often keep hidden, such as trauma and resentment. – Medical News Today

Within those few minutes, I had a sudden flashback to when I was 16 years old, sitting in a hospital waiting room studying for an AP exam. Beeps and sounds were going off all around me indicating patients were in distress, one of them being my own father.

He had been admitted for heart complications and was added to a transplant list. As the eldest of three sisters, I learned to cope by over-achieving and performing in school to compensate for what I could not control – my fathers’ health and what would happen to my family and I if something were to happen to him.
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“Who wants to go to the lakeside today?” my husband asked. Instead of wholeheartedly saying “Yes! Let’s all go,” I offered a lukewarm shrug for no apparent reason. In my brief but profound moment of shadow work, I recognized I resist feeling joy to the fullest.

I resist happiness. I push back and instead choose to remain composed with a mediocre sense of joy. Why is that? I’m still discovering it myself but I believe there is a part of me that fears my happiness will be snatched away at any time, just like how I felt in those teenage years, when the only certainty doctors could offer about my fathers’ health was complete uncertainty.

They told us he had 6 months to live. It’s been almost a decade since they made that claim.

A part of me resists happiness because I know I have blessings that so many do not have and there is an inkling of wanting to feel the pain others feel by subduing my own joy. Ultimately, I know logically this way of thinking helps no one, hurts me and hurts those around me.

But the thing about emotions is we have to lean in, feel them and listen to what they’re saying before we can make noticeable change.

If this was helpful to you, I encourage you to do a bit of shadow work yourself.

Here are a few prompts:

1. Start by noticing when you want to turn away from a feeling or experience. Pause and notice that moment when you want to ignore what is coming up for you.

2. Don’t repress it, because when we repress, we end up projecting those feelings on to others.

3. Offer yourself self-love. The feeling is not an indication that you are a bad person. It’s only an indication of being human.

4. Get curious. Notice any images, scents, sounds, flashes of insight, or thoughts coming up.

5. Sit with it for however long you can manage. Allow the feeling to show itself to you. Be watchful for heightened emotions. (This is usually where clients find it most helpful to work with a therapist so they don’t have to face the feeling alone and have support to work through what comes up.)

6. Release it. This can include crying, journaling, du’a and prayer, walking, meditation, or movement.

   The benefits…

   Shadow work can be challenging but it also brings many benefits including self-compassion, greater awareness, new insights and perception, deeper connection with loved ones if sharing this part of yourself with them, and greater creativity.

   I offer support to my clients in this area, which you can access on my therapy page or by contacting me on the bottom right.